Review: Finding Mr. Darcy: High School Edition by Erin Butler (I can’t)

unnamredSixteen-year-old Liza Johnson takes fangirl to a whole new level of crazy when she decides to take dating advice from her literary hero: Jane Austen.

With the help of her best friends, Liza sheds her ancient-speak and complete Austen wardrobe for something a bit more modern in an attempt at finding her very own Mr. Darcy.

Enter Will, the new kid and Liza’s Darcy incarnate. Add her BFF’s ex to mix and the sexy Brit who kisses with an accent, and Liza is in trouble.

So, what’s a girl to do? Without her mom to go to relationship advice, Liza turns to the only person she can truly trust with matters of the heart via her mother’s copy of COMPLETED WORKS OF JANE AUSTEN.

It’s too bad Austen’s heroines have never played Spin the Bottle or Seven Minutes in Heaven. Liza’s determined to find her true Austen-esque happy ending, but if she can’t trust herself instead of books, she just might end up in her own tragic love story.

PUBLISHER: Swoon Romance

PAGES: ??

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I signed up for the book tour for this book. Since my review was going to be less than 3/5 hearts, I was told to post a promotional post. Even doing that made me cringe, to be completely honest. It’s been awhile since I’ve read a book like this one. Some books are so bad that you cannot finish them. Other books are so bad that they end up actually being good in a weird, twisted sort of way. This is one of them. While I did end up finishing this one, I skimmed it and looked for all of the ridiculous quotes.

I read this book while babysitting. Coincidentally, it was the first day that the couple I babysit for had installed “nanny cams”. I’m glad that they didn’t install any in the main living room of their apartment because they would’ve seen me making faces, slapping my knee, and lots and lots of ugly laughter. No parents should see their babysitter’s ugly laughter while reading a bad book.

MORAL RATING:

PG: Kissing and some awkward mild sexual content

THE GOOD:

I gravitate towards books that have elements of Pride and Prejudice in them. It’s a given, people. I do like how Erin Butler incorporated P&P into this and I liked how Liza stayed true to her crazy P&P shirts (at least in the beginning of the book) even though people made fun of her.

THE BAD:

Many people have complimented Butler on her main character, Liza. Liza is apparently a very true and accurate representation of a high school girl.

If Liza is a true and accurate representation of a high school girl, please slap me. Hard. I want to wake up from this nightmare.

There’s an acronym among the book blogging world that I recently discovered: TSTL. Now, TSTL means, quite frankly, “Too Stupid To Live”. I find this acronym very harsh. At the same time, however, Liza was very, very, very stupid. I have a hard time believing she was chosen to take a trip to London and visit JA’s hot spots out of all the other intelligent, deserving students at her high school.

Liza is torn between two men (and then a third, but we’ll get to that eventually): Ryan and Will. Ryan is the so-called bad boy, and Will is the new kid at school that already has all the females swooning. The reader finds out that Ryan had previously dated Liza’s best friend, Janie, and broken up with her because he realized that he actually loved Liza. Woo-hoo! Sounds complicated. Then, when Liza goes on a trip to London, she meets a hot man named Ben.

But, first…

Ryan and Liza have great chemistry:

Ryan sat down on the end and dragged me down with him. Right next to him. Our thighs touched. My heart turned cartwheels in my chest. This was the first time I was with a boy. Alone. With a boy that liked me liked me. I should clarify: Heck. This was the first time a guy actually liked me liked me.

I can get a girl freaking out over her first crush liking her back, but please shove me off a bridge if I ever sound like this when a guy reciprocates my feelings. I don’t want to hear about thighs touching and heart cartwheels. I understand that this is the High School Edition, but this is like elementary school. We shared crayons and sat next to each other and fell in love underneath the kiddie swing. Ickkkk.

I squealed inside. I felt like Elizabeth, and Ryan was my Mr. Darcy. We’d been friends, we’d had tiffs before, and now he confessed his love for me. Okay. Don’t get carried away, I schooled myself.

Yes, Eliza, don’t get carried away. Please, reign in your raging hormones before you get yourself pregnant or something.

And, oh my gosh, these quotes.

His hot a** dimples filled his face.

OMG! YES! I want a man with hot a** dimples. Where can I find a man like that? Maybe Craigslist?

Our… parts all lined up and pressed against one another…. Soon though, Ryan took over, grabbing me even tighter and smooshing us together so I felt him everywhere.

Okay, really? This is like really bad fanfiction. I can’t even handle this. They’re kissing and smooshing together (smooshing together? That’s some R-Rated ish). I… ugh… I don’t even want to know. I’d rather preserve my innocence.

I took it from him, smiled, and immediately got laser beamed from his dimple. Oh dear. God help me.

LASER BEAMED FROM HIS DIMPLES?! DANGGGG. The mental picture I get from this is literally so hilarious. I wish y’all could see it.

Wait… with my horrid photoshop skills… you can! Oh, goody goody gumdrops!

Cue the horror music…

Oh, man, I’m getting carried away.

…let’s take a moment of silence.

I CAN’T BREATHE. I CANNOT BREATHE. But, WE ARE NOT DONE YET WITH THE DIMPLES. NO.

Before I looked up and got sucked into his dimple, I asked him, “Want to help me eat this cake?”

These poor animals and presents are at the mercy of this man’s dimple-sucking powers… God have mercy on their poor, unfortunate souls.

Wow, this man is talented. Not only can he beam people with lasers that shoot out of his dimples, but he can also suck things into his dimples. WATCH OUT, LIZA! It’s not looking good for you.

She hung all over Will with little attention to anyone else. I wanted to reach across the table and slap her. Tell her that in case she hadn’t noticed, Will liked me. He walked me into this beautiful room. Not you. Me.

Holy crap. What’s wrong with me? I was jumping from guy to guy… to guy. Being a teenager with raging hormones sucks some major a**.

I’LL SAY. Calm yoself, Liza Johnson. Don’t expect all the men to be all over you 24/7. You’re sixteen. You’re stupid. You don’t know what you want. Calm down.

[Ben] showed up with flowers. Real flowers. Ryan, or Will for that matter, had never bought me flowers. It made me like him more. I decided that should be on the list too. “Always like boys who get you flowers.” That sounded exactly like something a mother would say to her daughter because nice boys are always giving girls things. Ben must be a nice boy.

Look, Liza, I like candy. I like a candy a lot. Just because I like candy does not mean that I get into vans marked “FREE CANDY”. If I did that, I probably would not be alive today. Or, I would be alive and in chains in some creeper’s mom’s dank basement. Do you understand, Liza? Do you? Gosh, I’m talking to a wall here. Total abusive jerkheads buy their girlfriends all kinds of things and they’re still abusive jerkheads. You are going to be kidnapped and killed one of these days, Liza Johnson. Mark my words.

Kissing was fun. Kissing Ben would be awesome because he was so good looking. And, he had an accent.

Okay, so, here’s the deal. I’ve never kissed a British man. But, I’m pretty sure his accent will not help the kiss. Do you even know what an accent is?

He kissed well, but different. Exotic. It might have had something to do with his accent. Maybe he kissed like an English boy, not like American boys.

WELL, I stand corrected. APPARENTLY an accent can influence the way a person kisses. My bad.

Ben appeared in front of me, smiling his accenty smile and bowing.

APPARENTLY, one can smile in an “accenty” way. And, APPARENTLY, it’s quite charming.

And we will finish it with the last quote I highlighted on my Kindle.

I found his soft, wet lips with mine and then smooshed our bodies together.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?! More smooshing? I swear — that’s illegal! If I hear the word smooshing again I will keel over and die. I kid you not.

Honestly, those quotes should be enough to convince you never to read this book. This was like bad fanfiction to infinity. I found it highly entertaining. Most people would find it highly disturbing. I don’t know how I’m the only 1-Star reviewer on Goodreads so far.

There were so many problems with this book, but I don’t have time to delve into them. Liza was a hormone-driven, highly stupid character who couldn’t decide between three men. Her friend, Janie, wasn’t much better. There was a weird sub-plot involving Janie and this weird man on a chatroom that didn’t make sense in the overall flow of the novel.

SOUNDTRACK:

Liza needs to be alone. She’s a danger to others.

MY VERDICT:

This was a hot mess. Highly entertaining for all the wrong reasons. Do not touch.

1/5 because I’m feeling generous today.

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2 thoughts on “Review: Finding Mr. Darcy: High School Edition by Erin Butler (I can’t)

  1. Why can’t my one stars be accompanied with bad photoshopping? It might make it a bit better, like swallowing a honkin’ Miracle Max pill because it at least looked Chocolate covered (how did Wesley swallow that?) 🙂 So sorry it wasn’t as great as you were hoping.

    Like

    • I know, right? Bad photoshopping makes the world go round. I ranted a bit in this review so it’s a bit harsher than I would have liked… :/
      Ah, love the Princess Bride reference. That’s actually my desktop background at the moment. :)Thanks for stopping by!

      Like

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